The musings of a fourth year English medical student

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Why are we afraid to be who we really are?

I don't know if you can relate to this, but in my mind there is a constant battle between what I know to be true and fair and my irrational/emotional thoughts. Sometimes the fair thoughts win and sometimes the irrational ones do instead. 

For example, I have a test tomorrow on my neurosensory block that I complete this week. I am partly shitting myself (the emotional part) and at the same time I am trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter (the fair and true part). I know that the test will not stop me from passing second year and ultimately become a doctor, however, if I do badly despite putting in so much effort I worry I will be a failure. And what about the rest of the year? I don't like thinking I am at the bottom of the pack, but that is how I feel most of the time. I know I am not stupid, but I know I have so many peers with so much more potential and drive than me. 

Similarly, when I realised more and more people were reading my blog, I was scared that people wouldn't like it. Again, that I would be a failure somehow.

And then I realised something. My successes and my inevitable failures are what makes up me, Kate. This is my blog, these are my views, this is my brain and this is who I am. Ultimately, I fear that others will perceive me as a failure. It's about how I compare myself to my cohort, my friends, my peers. The times I get stuff right and the times I mess up doesn't make me good or bad. I know I am a nice person. And by accepting that not everyone will like you, not everyone will agree with you, not everyone will be impressed with you: that's ok. It's more than ok. It doesn't matter. 

So, as I go to my hospital placement, as people read and critique my blog, my grades, my body, my wit, I know that I am happy with the person I am. I accept myself. And I want to be myself; wholly imperfect, but not aspiring to be perfect, either. 


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