The musings of a final year medical student

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Finding inspiration

Last week was awful. For some reason my depression got probably the worst it has been in a while. I was still going to lectures and getting my work done, but internally I felt void and worthless. I was being passive aggressive to my loved ones. My sister was leaving for a 5 month work placement abroad and I didn't even get round to ringing her before she left. 

What I don't understand about the mind is how you can feel so stuck in a funk for forever and then all of a sudden you have an epiphany; you just get up and become productive. What makes people have these sudden realisations and bursts of optimism? For me, I was having a very low Saturday, stayed at home all day, and then woke up on Sunday with so much vigour. I was tired, but out of nowhere I had drive and I had motivation. 

I sat down and wrote down every piece of work or chore I needed to get done. I planned out every part of my week so that I had time to accomplish all my tasks. And somehow I am sticking to it. Okay, the 7.30am gym sessions aren't happening, that was too ambitious, but I am sticking to my work schedule. It feels amazing and I feel so much passion for medicine. We are currently studying the respiratory block and it's not my favourite. However, I am still persevering and enjoy rifling through Google and my textbooks for information to write in my notes. It may only be Tuesday and I have a several more days of work left ahead, but I am optimistic and excited to work. What normal person gets excited about writing lecture notes about upper respiratory tract infections in children? Who cares - I am. 

Today I got my folders organised, went to my lecture and then presented a talk on my bimaxillary osteotomy, along with a maxfax surgeon. It was a bit daunting but I loved it - it was a great experience. I have such tremendous respect for maxillofacial surgeons. Their enthusiasm, skill and determination is profound. 

I don't know how long this stint of enthusiasm will last, or why it arrived in the first place, but I'm glad to see a part of myself that I have sorely missed. 

My beautiful little Lucy, you will be missed, see you in April!


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