The musings of a fourth year English medical student

Friday, 29 January 2016

I'M SCARED OF DEPRESSION

This week has been rather rough on me. I had the results of my mock OSCE and was told I had failed, only to then be told later that I had actually passed. I was relieved. I had a mock patient simulation with an actress and it literally could not have gone better, I had no criticisms from staff or my peers. And yet that same day I was later crying quietly to myself in my lectures, hoping no one would notice. 

Nothing has really gone wrong this week but I am still sad. That's the thing with depression, your life can look absolutely perfect on paper and you can still feel utterly helpless and hopeless. There is honestly nothing I would change about my life, but I still feel like shit. And I don't know why. 

It felt like such a ghostly sensation, to feel this side of depression again. I have had an incredibly enjoyable and positive January and had lots to look forward to. Having all my braces off was a very cathartic experience, and straight after I did feel fab. Now the novelty has worn off a little. 

I feel upset mainly because I want to do well at uni but I still feel behind. I haven't even started my research project yet. I am trying to get my shit together yet I'm still floundering. It hurts because I am so passionate about medicine, and I don't want to fail again. I cannot think of anything else I would rather do for the rest of my life. I feel like I need medicine. I adore the rapports I get to build with patients, and the little old ladies at the place I used to work at who still write to me. 

I'm scared of depression because it feels like a fight to be me and to do what I love. I am not depression - I am a kind, intelligent woman who is passionate about becoming a doctor. But sometimes that gets lost. 

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2 comments

  1. Are you Liverpool 3rd year medic? I think I may have helped out your OSCE's if you are, I'm a Liverpool STN and it's really interesting to see how your OSCE's run with the different rotations, we tend to only have OSCE's on one thing! I'm sure you are doing amazing! :)

    Danielle xx
    | Student to Staff Nurse |

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Danielle! I am a 2nd year medic :)

      Kate xx

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