The musings of a fourth year English medical student

Monday, 28 March 2016

UNTITLED

My depression has come back with a vengeance. 

Despite my the Autumn/Winter term being pretty rocky following my double jaw surgery, I felt that in January 2016 I had really turned a corner. Everything was going well.

Now I feel crippled with self-doubt and self-loathing. Despite my grades being much better this year, I have lost all confidence in my academic capabilities. I constantly feel like I won't pass this year and that I'm not good enough to be a doctor. It feels pretty shit. I know that medicine is the only vocation I want to pursue and the thought of not being able to fulfil the biggest ambition I've ever had is frightening. I flit between moments of feeling 'This is the best job ever, I want to do this until the day I die', to 'I'm not good enough for this, it's too hard'. 

I want to be the best person I can. The best medical student, the best friend, the best daughter, the best sister, the best girlfriend, the best blogger, the best musician, the best athlete. I know it isn't possible, but somehow I am compelled to strive for nothing less. 

I thought I had got to a place where I had accepted my body, but I no longer feel this way. I split my jeans recently and I could have cried. 

In addition, some issues have come about at home and university that have left me feeling so alone, despite having lovely friends and a lovely boyfriend. I'm sorry for the ambiguity but I cannot share the explicit details. However, it has left me feeling disappointed in other people and so incredibly naïve. 

I hope that I can shake away the guilty feelings and low mood and press on with balancing my work and the people and things that make me happy. I'm trying my best, but some days that's easier said than done. 

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