The musings of a fourth year English medical student

Monday, 25 April 2016

FRUSTRATED

I'm really fed up of depression.

I feel like I don't know where to go from here. I engage with all of the resources I have: medication, counselling, being honest with my friends and family etc. I exercise regularly. I have hobbies. I take time off when I feel like I need to. I eat healthily most of the time. I barely ever drink, and when I do I don't do it to the point of getting drunk or intoxicated. 

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want my enthusiasm back. I don't want to lie in bed worrying about my deadlines, whether I said the right thing or if I worked hard enough that day. 

It saddens me that we really don't understand mental health. If we did then maybe there would be less stigma around it. Truly, I don't know why I am depressed or where to go from here. 

When I feel at my lowest, I lose so much of my personality. Usually I am chatty, smiley, a little bit cheeky - I love to dance and sing and meet new people and be out in the real world, learning and discovering new things. That is how I want to be. I want to live, and not just exist. I can't quite figure out how I can do that all the time, though. 

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